I craved you
I craved you unnaturally
I craved you with abandonment
you will never know how much
I craved you

you see, there was this other girl
and I had I told myself
I would not give up this time
I would write *her* note after note
and poem after poem
I would call her every day
I would give into the darker nature of my soul
and I would pursue her however I knew how
and then surely
and then surely …
and then … surely … what?

maybe I wanted purity
I needed acclimation
I needed restitution
I wanted purity
crawling back into the womb
Freud’s death wish, Thanatos
whispering gently but persuasively
into my ear

yet there you were
out of nowhere
out of chance
an angel of Eros
… or a demon
yanking me out the box
by the scruff of my neck
blinking and scrambling
back to life

before you
always that other girl
always only a friend
me the nice guy
me the quiet one
me the one to talk to
to confide to
to confess to
when the boyfriend cheated

a misery of my own making
I suppose
my friend happily abused
and she doing nothing about it
maybe even savoring it
me watching on helplessly
totally alone
and wondering
what was the sense of it?

separate life missions
unspoken boundaries
even a lack of passion
kept us apart
I could never lie to her
or to myself
just to make it right

or couldn’t I?

enough became enough
and I made up my mind
to alter the plot
to lie to the fates
to lie to myself
to force the issue
to refuse to submit
to set back the hands of time
to alter the fabric of reality
to undue destiny
and to let Thanatos
lead the way

I quit my dreams
I quit my hopes
I quit it all

I got an apartment
I planned a strategy
on a day off from work
I sent flowers to her there
let others say what they would
I’d take whatever came with it
I even attached a poem
not worthy my honor
and this was all only after
I’d already secured
a promise for a meeting
and planned a speech
as best as I could fake it

my mind was set
and unmovable
I’d gone as cold as Thanatos
and I was fading fast
tomorrow was the day
when I would see her again
and plead my case
mea culpa
fate sealed
destiny calling
a switch play
Eros came for Thanatos
and all out of no where
that destined day never came
for that evening
a could burst
lightening struck
and drops began to fall

coming home to my new apartment
my first night there in fact
(ha, even a new pillow case in my shopping bag)
I saw you there
sitting on the stairs
lightly clad as if for summer
white polka dots on yellow
large eyes and a body long and lean
a magnet for my eyes
a perfect femme fatale
yet me below your radar
or at least so I supposed

but minutes later
my contact lenses removed
scrambling for lost glasses
the door bell rang
and I found you at my door
asking for my help
first to use the phone
where you talked and cried
your cigarette dripping ashes on the carpet
next to your tears
your former employer
telling you not to come anymore
and me, by then,
I was already hung up
just over the sound of your voice

what was that night?
first a little job hunting
at seedy dives you wanted me to take you to
places I’d have never gone before
never even dreamed of going to before
I waited patiently in the car
watched patrons go to and fro
as well as the dancers in their costumes
while you negotiated inside
for a job you’d have been better off without
with that done
a long drive back
you talking incessantly
your life story told to me
at breathtaking speed
your voice a croon
that melted me